Understanding and supporting parental reflective confidence

What is this resource about?

This practice paper adds to existing literature about parental reflective capacity by exploring the importance of parental reflective confidence.

It explores the benefits for both children and parents of what has been traditionally termed ‘parental reflective capacity’. In this paper, ‘confidence’ has been used as an alternative to ‘capacity’ to avoid implying that not all parents have reflective skills. All parents possess reflective skills, but some may need support in building them to feel confident expressing their interpretations of their children’s inner world/s.

This resource encourages recognition that all parents reflect on the needs of their children, while noting that the time, opportunity or confidence to do this is limited for some parents. Practitioners can play a vital role in supporting parents to strengthen their reflective confidence.

Who is this resource for?

This resource aims to support all practitioners who work with parents, whether in an adult- or child-focused service. Every contact practitioners have with parents in their work is an opportunity for them to help those parents build their confidence to reflect on their child’s internal world, and their own, in a constructive way.

Key messages

• ‘Parental reflective capacity’ has been shown to have a positive influence on the parent–child relationship, as well as parental and child wellbeing.
• Using the term ‘capacity’ may suggest that some parents have the capability to consider their child’s intentions, thoughts and feelings, while others do not.
• Alternatively, using parental reflective ‘confidence’ provides an inclusive way to consider these skills that avoids implying not all parents have the capacity to reflect on their children’s inner world/s.
• Shame and stigma can play a large role in diminishing parents’ reflective confidence.
• Practitioners can support parents in building their reflective confidence by engaging them in conversations that are curious about their parenting hopes and values, and bring to light instances where the parent has felt confident in understanding and responding to their children.

What does the literature say about parental reflective capacity?

Reflective capacity is defined as the ability to recognise your own point of view or mental state – including intentions, feelings, thoughts, motivations and beliefs – along with that of another (Powell et al., 2014). For parents, this involves being able to consider their own views and state of mind at the same time as their child’s.

Parental reflective capacity can help parents respond sensitively and appropriately to their children’s needs (Rostad & Whitaker, 2016). It may also support parents to see children’s behaviour as an indicator of underlying emotions and needs, rather than viewing the child as being ‘naughty’ or ‘difficult’. Parents with stronger reflective capacity report having a greater understanding of the complexities of both their own and others’ mental states. They realise that intentions, feelings, thoughts, motivations and beliefs can be unclear, purposely concealed from others, or change over time and through development (Stacks et al., 2014).

During difficult times, parents may feel frustrated or confused about why their child is expressing particular emotions or behaviours. As a result, they may find themselves responding in ways considered harsh or dismissive of the child’s underlying needs. But stengthening parental reflective capacity can support parents to avoid automatically reverting to such responses (Berthelot et al., 2015). Parents with stronger reflective capacity report being able to fulfill their child’s needs more often and more effectively through increased use of positive parenting practices. This leads to improved interactions and communication, a higher quality parent–child relationship, and greater satisfaction in their parenting role (Rostad & Whitaker, 2016).

The literature also outlines the positive impact of parental reflective capacity on children. The reflective capacity of parents has been associated with their children’s ability to consider the intentions, thoughts and feelings of others (Benbassat and Priel, 2012; Ensink et al., 2015; Rosso et al., 2015; Scopesi et al., 2015). The benefits of parental reflective capacity have been found to interrupt intergenerational cycles of abuse and neglect through children learning these skills from their parents, then passing them onto their own children. (Camoirano, 2017). Research has shown an increase in positive parent–child relationships when parental reflective capacity is high, even after controlling for demographic risk (Stacks et al., 2014). Secure parent–child relationships in infancy and early childhood have been consistently shown as a protective factor for children’s mental health and wellbeing. These connections are also a source of resilience for children, within which they feel able to cope with the challenges of life (Siegel & Hartzell, 2014).

The role of shame and stigma in parental reflective capacity and confidence

Shame and stigma can play a large role in shaping a parents’ confidence to reflect on, and respond to, their children’s inner world. When parents experience stigma, which occurs for many reasons, it can lead parents to hide parts of themselves for fear of judgement; it can also affect the way they connect with, and parent, their children (Emerging Minds, 2024a). When parents are not able to parent in their preferred ways, this can lead them to feel shame about their parenting skills and their relationship with their children. Parents who feel shame and stigma can develop self-doubt (Emerging Minds, 2024a), which inevitably erodes their confidence.

‘It took me a long time to accept that I was doing my best as a parent and that a lot of the time that was in very hard circumstances that were not all of my own doing. I blamed myself for us being homeless and having nothing and I really felt I was a terrible parent. Now I can see that I was holding it together despite what was going on and helping the kids through it pretty well, but it takes a lot to come to that point and turn around this strong belief that because we were homeless, we were faulty, dodgy, bad, wrong.’ – Parent (Emerging Minds, 2024a)

Stigma often results in judgement, blame and pity of others (Emerging Minds, 2024b). These evaluations can impact ability to see the ‘whole’ person, including the skills they possess and their efforts to respond to adversities (Emerging Minds, 2024b). Unfortunately, judgement, blame and pity often reinforce the impacts of stigma and shame for parents, influencing both their reflective capacity and confidence.

Why parental reflective confidence?

Capacity is synonymous with ability, competence and capability. In evaluating these terms, if one parent is considered to have the capacity to be reflective, the opposite is that another parent could be seen as lacking reflective capacity or competence. Like pity, judgement or blame, labels such as ‘high capacity’, ‘limited’ or ‘no capacity’ can influence how practitioners respond to parents. It is important that practitioners always recognise a parent’s expertise in their own and their children’s lives and conversations about their children’s internal worlds are approached in a non-judgemental way. Practitioners may inadvertently induce feelings of blame or shame in parents through their responses if they feel a parent is demonstrating limited reflective capacity.

There are many reasons why a parent may need support to build their reflective confidence. Depending on their own experience of being parented, they may have never had the opportunity to learn or test these skills. The literature shows there is an intergenerational component to reflective capacity and confidence. Where parents have experienced childhood trauma and been supported to process it, there is evidence to suggest that this can lead parents to experience greater confidence in responding to their children’s behaviours in their preferred way (Berthelot et al., 2015). Even if they have high confidence, parents won’t always be able to access their reflective skills. When feeling stressed, tired or overwhelmed, parents may respond to their children in ways that do not align with their preferred parenting approach. These states can be particularly common when parents are seeking professional support and may be translated by practitioners as limited capacity.

It is worth considering how a practitioner’s therapeutic approach might be affected by their understanding of parenting confidence. Where parenting concerns are seen as a consequence of limited parenting capacity, a practitioner might be overwhelmed by hopelessness or feel the need to rely on education. ‘Where do I start with this parent?’ is a common question posed by practitioners when presented with the multiple, co-existing issues faced by children and parents experiencing disadvantage. However, practitioners can deliberately overcome such didactic positions by positioning parents as requiring support to develop their confidence, and demonstrating curiosity in parenting values and hopes. This approach uses what is known about both parenting capacity and confidence, is more likely to be generative, and less likely to impose shame on a parent. Practitioners working with parents are well placed to sensitively guide them as they build their reflective confidence and, importantly, support them to know that they don’t need to ‘get it right’ all the time.

Supporting parents to build their reflective confidence

Practitioners have a vital role to play in supporting parents to develop the confidence to reflect on their own experiences and mental states, and those of their children. Reflective confidence involves recognising intentions, feelings, thoughts or motivations. It also requires supporting parents to consider the implications for recognising these things, both for themselves and for how they respond to their child. Practitioners are encouraged to consider ways of working within a respectful and curious framework that considers a parental lack of confidence rather than lack of capacity. All parents think about what’s best for their children and strategies to support their children’s growth and development. Practice that focuses on supporting parental reflective confidence can help parents who have been diminished by shame, stigma, violence or isolation to (re)gain confidence and optimism about positive outcomes stemming from conversations with their children.

Practitioners can support parents to build their reflective confidence by having conversations that acknowledge the values and hopes parents have for their children and parenting. These conversations can encourage parents to reflect on times they have felt confident in understanding and responding to their children, and what it was about those moments that supported them to do so. Highlighting moments when they were able to parent in their preferred ways allows parents to recognise their existing skills, helping them to feel more capable and hopeful in their parenting abilities.

Consider the following interaction between a practitioner and parent. In this example, the practitioner validates the parent’s experience while also maintaining curiosity about what might be happening for the child. By focusing on the child’s internal world rather than their behaviour, the conversation can move away from assumptions about the meaning of the child’s behaviour being a known fact. The practitioner asks the parent for their ideas and doesn’t present one experience as reality nor provide solutions. Instead of positioning themselves as an expert in what the child is experiencing, the practitioner invites the parent to reflect on what they notice about their child. The practitioner also begins exploring what the parent values in their relationship with their child. The practitioner asks the parent about their preferred way of parenting, and moments when they have been able to parent this way, to begin to build their reflective confidence.

The conversation between the parent and practitioner is in the left-hand column of the following table, while the right-hand column outlines the intention behind the practitioner’s questions.

Conclusion

This practice paper has explored the concept of parental reflective confidence and how it expands on reflective capacity. It has outlined some of the research literature that exists on parental reflective capacity, including its benefits for parents and children. It also showcased how the term ‘capacity’ may negatively influence the way that parents’ skills of reflection are viewed, understood and responded to by others. Using terms like capacity, which is synonymous with competence and ability, can lead to a belief that reflective skills are only possessed by some parents, while others are lacking skills. These beliefs are intertwined with judgement, blame and pity, which can lead to parents feeling shame and reduced self-confidence in their parenting skills. There are many reasons why a parent may have lower reflective confidence. Therefore, it is important that practitioners support parents to develop their reflective confidence using strategies that prevent blame or shame.

To support development of reflective confidence in parents it is important to promote curiosity about the child’s internal world. Taking a non-judgemental lens, practitioners can begin with a gentle wondering about what the child might be feeling or thinking when they act a certain way. By encouraging this focus, practitioners can join with parents to make sense and meaning of children’s behaviour. Practitioners can maintain their curiosity about what parents themselves value and what kind of parent they want to be. They can also help parents to realise when they have understood and responded to their children’s needs in the past. In doing so, a parent’s confidence to continue this curiosity and conversations with their children in daily life grows.

References

Benbassat, N., & Priel, B. (2012). Parenting and adolescent adjustment: The role of parental reflective function. Journal of Adolescence, 35(1), 163–174.

Berthelot, N., Ensink, K., Bernazzani, O., Normandin, L., Luyten, P., & Fonagy, P. (2015). Intergenerational transmission of attachment in abused and neglected mothers: The role of trauma-specific reflective functioning. Infant Mental Health Journal, 36(2), 200–212.

Camoirano, A. (2017). Mentalizing makes parenting work: A review about parental reflective functioning and clinical interventions to improve it. Frontiers in Psychology, 8(14), 1–12.

Emerging Minds. (2024a). Unmasking stigma: Effects on families. Emerging Minds.

Emerging Minds. (2024b). Standing against stigma. Emerging Minds.

Ensink, K., Normandin, L., Target, M., Fonagy, P., Sabourin, S., & Berthelot, N. (2015). Mentalization in children and mothers in the context of trauma: An initial study of the validity of the Child Reflective Functioning Scale. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 33(2), 203–217.

Hughes, D. A., & Gurney-Smith, B. (2020). The little book of attachment: Theory to practice in child mental health. W. W. Norton & Company.

Luyten, P., Nijssens, L., Fonagy, P., & Mayes, L. C. (2017). Parental reflective functioning: Theory, research and clinical applications. The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, 70(1), 174–199.

Powell, B., Cooper, G., Hoffman, K., & Marvin, B. (2014). The circle of security intervention: Enhancing attachment in early parent-child relationships. Guilford Press.

Rosso, A. M., Viterbori, P., & Scopesi, A. M. (2015). Are maternal reflective functioning and attachment security associated with preadolescent mentalization? Frontiers in Psychology, 6, 1134. DOI: 10.3389/fpsyg.2015.01134.

Rostad, W. L., & Whitaker, D. J. (2016). The association between reflective functioning and parent-child relationship quality. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 25, 2164–2177.

Scopesi, A. M., Rosso, A. M., Viterbori, P., & Panchieri, E. (2015). Mentalizing abilities in preadolescents’ and their mothers’ autobiographical narratives. The Journal of Early Adolescence, 35(4), 467–483.

Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2014). Parenting from the inside out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive. Scribe Publications Pty Ltd.

Stacks, A. M., Muzik, M., Wong, K., Beeghly, M., Huth-Bocks, A., Irwin, J. L., & Rosenblum, K. L. (2014). Maternal reflective functioning among mothers with childhood maltreatment histories: Links to sensitive parenting and infant attachment security. Attachment & Human Development, 16(5), 515–533.